Boom Dizzle Has The Right-Of-Way

We all know Andrei Kirilenko cried for only playing 16 minutes in Game One against the Houston Rockets. Now, he will be crying every time he hears the name Baron Davis. I knew there was a reason that The Game chose Baron Davis to be his first born’s Godfather.

Hat tip to Golden State of Mind for the video.

Dead To Me: The Orlando Sentinel Sports Section

There are two articles on the Orlando Sentinel website today concerning the possibility of Billy Donovan joining the Orlando Magic (here and here). If you just read the headlines, you’d think Donovan is halfway out the door. But the quotes tell a different story.

“I think the speculation is unfair because it’s not like I’m sitting here saying, ‘Yeah, I would really be interested in doing that, I want to go do that.’ I want to coach at Florida,” Donovan said.

In response to the possible Memphis Grizzlies job, Donovan says, “I had a phone call and conversation with the Grizzlies, but in terms of job offers, contract negotiations, none of that happened.”

Which is turned into this on this guy’s blog.

We contacted Florida Gators Coach Billy Donovan on Friday night, and while he said the Magic haven’t contacted him, it’s clear that he’ll listen. Billy said he remains “intrigued” by the idea of coaching in the NBA. Heck, he already has talked to the Memphis Grizzlies.

First of all, douches at the Orlando Sentinel cannot call Donovan ‘Billy’. That is reserved for UF students and his family. Second, it’s clear to me that the Orlando Sentinel doesn’t give a damn about accurate reporting. Donovan’s problem is that he keeps answering his phone, which is automatically taken as interest, when it could be just politeness. (Or, as the Dick Vitale mess taught us, he is seeing where his players fall in the NBA.) As for the Orlando Sentinel, enjoy the Arena Football season, fuckers.

Ricky Williams Wants To Talk To Samson

In case you haven’t heard, former Miami Dolphins running back, Ricky Williams, tested positive last month for Mary Jane. The news comes as Williams is applying for reinstatement into the NFL. In response, Williams issued this statement through his agent:

Due to the recent reports about me failing a drug test, I feel it is appropriate for me to issue this statement. Last month, following a psychological evaluation requested by the NFL, we — the psychiatrist and I — came to the realization that there were a few things I needed to iron out about myself in order to make my return to the NFL as successful as possible. I am an honest, God-fearing man who is intensely dedicated to being the best person I can be on and off the football field.

Well you better be a Goodell fearing man because that’s who you’ll have to iron things out with on the other side of this thing. And just to fill you in, Godfather Goodell isn’t having the best week. His shitty Friday included listening to Pacman and his lawyer blather on and on about Pacman controlling the rain and resisting hoe-tempatation. Not lookin’ good, dude. Hey, at least there’s always karaoke night at the rehab center with your boys.

Click here to play video

Thanks to the guys at SeahawkBlue for the video.

JaMarcus Russell: He’s Gonna Get The Gold

JaMarcus Russell has not yet signed with the Raiders. And as guys from Mobile usually do, JaMarcus will be asking, “Where Da Gold At?”

This post dedicated to loyal reader Ken, who is representing the Gator Nation in the El Paso-Las Cruces region.

The SEC’s Hottest Women’s Athletic Programs

When The Sporting Orange was created one of our friends, Christian Bruey, came to us with a story. It was a story so important, it requires a slide show. Enjoy.

A couple months back Clay Travis of CBS put together an article ranking the coeds at the 12 schools that make up the Southeastern Conference. I’m not exactly sure how he did his research, but it seemed to be flawed with the gorgeous girls of Gainesville coming in at 11th. You can’t really go wrong with college students in the South, but what about the female student athletes in the south? How do the schools of the SEC rank according to looks? Well I used pure science and my extremely critical standards to put this together. Each girl was ranked by how much I would have to drink to make them attractive, with a 1 being sober and a 5 meaning there is not enough alcohol in any given college town to help this unfortunate soul. Below is a recap of each school with an accompanying slide show for visualization.

Editor’s Note: This slide show in no way represents each school as a whole. Christian’s research included every single girl on every team in the SEC. Thus, your perception could be skewed by the following outliers of hotness. Don’t be fooled. We saw Christian’s spreadsheets and bar graphs. The man knows his SEC.

#12: Ole Miss is known for their southern belles, but it’s southern beasts that are on its athletic rosters. The Rebels have an average of 3.552, including last place in tennis, volleyball, and basketball.

#11: Mississippi State just has a knack for less than attractive people and it shows with their female athletic program. The Bulldogs come in with a 3.405. The one bright spot for MSU is their soccer team. Props to head coach Neil McDonald for his keen eye for “talent.”

#10: LSU has some real elite talent, but a number of fugs that really brought the whole program down to a score of 3.386. They get some style points for lesbian relations between their former women’s basketball coach, Pokey Chatman, and a player.

#9: The Georgia Bulldogs female athletes have more of a resemblance to UGA IV than their sexy fans that always seem to be wearing the most revealing black tops with spray on red pants. The Dogs have a program average of 3.231 thanks to their hideous softball and soccer team.

#8: Arkansas‘ mascot is a pig, but there are surprisingly a number of very attractive Razorbacks thanks to their tireless recruiting in the hotbed of Texas. Even with that they only come in at eighth with a program average of 3.207.

#7: The Lady Vols dominate in women’s basketball and are ranked in the top five in softball, but that will not get them anything in these rankings. Their program average is at 3.183 which is just over a 12 pack in my book. Their national champion basketball team is fairly attractive as I have them ranked at number 2 in the conference while the tennis team really hurt them at tenth. Tennessee swimming also includes a familiar name who has avoided the donut shop, unlike her Fat Father.

#6: South Carolina just squeaks into the top half of the conference with a program average of 3.178. South Carolina pulled off the second best softball and volleyball team to go along with the third ranked basketball team. These girls even like to talk dirty as I have personally heard them yelling for cocks at sporting events.

#5: Vanderbilt does not even have an athletic program but they can recruit some pretty good looking ladies to put together a program average of 3.108. They have the best looking basketball and tennis teams in the SEC. Not to mention their soccer team which just barely finished in second.

#4: The Feisty Tigers of Auburn scratch their way into fourth with a program average of 3.079. They completely dominate the nation in swimming and maybe it’s because everyone else in the pool can hardly breathe because of their phenomenal good looks.

#3: The Girls from Gainesville take top fives in every sport but volleyball for a program average of 3.076. They may not be bringing home all the hardware like the football and basketball team, but at least they look good. Florida has some of the hottest gymnasts to go along with a smokin’ soccer team. Mmmmmm flexibility and firmness.

#2: The Alabama Crimson Tide are a very close second with a program average of 2.993. Their gymnastics team is the hottest women’s sports program in the SEC with a 2.286 average. Their coaches have also put together the most attractive volleyball team in the conference, second best tennis roster, and are number 3 in softball. The Tide could have grabbed the top spot if not for their basketball team coming in 10th out of 12.

#1: The Ladies from Lexington came in with a program score of 2.917. Their softball, swimming, and golf team really pulled the program’s weight with all three finishing at the top of their respective sports. You may be saying to yourself, “Well how hot is the hottest softball team in the SEC?” Well the Wildcats with the bats are hot, putting up a team score of 2.3 which is second only to Alabama’s gymnastics team. I’m sure Ashley Judd would be proud.

Picking The Low Hanging Fruit…

• Sens take Game One over Buffalo in battle of tortured sports cities.
• Gainesville is on fire.
• Tank Johnson is handling prison well. Which should be expected of someone 6-3, 300 pounds.
• Not even Lindsay Lohan’s coked-out appearance on Conan last night could save this movie.

Why Fremont?

It appears that Nate and Ben’s protest of the Oakland Athletics’ move to Fremont by “Ghostriding” was unsuccessful. Oakland’s owner, Lew Wolff, along with Cisco and ProLogis, have signed a land agreement that confirms that the A’s will soon play their baseball at Cisco Field in Fremont, California. (via The Biz of Baseball)

I think the reason for this move is obvious: Al Davis paid them off because he wanted to limit the fans of Oakland to only being able to support his Oakland Raiders. Joe sports fan is considering purchasing season tickets, but can only afford one sport. Would he rather see the Oakland Athletics win 90 games and make the playoffs, or would he rather piss away three grand to watch the worst franchise in sports compete for the number one draft pick every year?

Since Billy Beane basically runs every facet of this organization, it is about time he steps up and puts a stop to this move. I think the way for Oakland fans to keep their only successful franchise at home would be for Billy Beane to catch a ride with Nate and Ben the next time they Ghostride their Volvo to Fremont:

Check out New A’s Ballpark to follow the construction of Cisco Field.

Mathematical Elimination Countdown: Toronto Blue Jays

It can’t get any worse for the Toronto Blue Jays. Actually, it just did.

The loss of B.J. Ryan officially makes the Jays the most disappointing team in baseball. After losing Thursday night 8-0 to Boston they have lost nine in a row. On a team this talented, only Roy Halladay is pulling his weight and he’s gotten knocked around in his last two starts, including Thursday night.

But no one has talked about this epic slide. It’s incredible. This is a team that could have won this division after finishing second last year. If they played anywhere but Toronto, they’d be something for Skip Bayless to yell about. They paid Vernon Wells $126 million and he’s hitting only .279!

The only thing the Jays have going for them is young hitters. A few trades for pitching can right the ship. But at this point, it could be a lost cause. Bummer, eh?

Amare Is Protective Of His Legs

I think if I had two knee injuries like Amare Stoudemire, I would be pretty nervous when people try to trip me. This is why today Stoudemire accused Bruce Bowen and Manu Ginobili of trying to injure him. In detail not seen since the Zapruder film, you can see Bowen sweep his leg in order to trip the Suns center Wednesday night.

Bowen has a history of sticking his leg where it shouldn’t be. As for Ginobili, he’s just doing Karl Malone’s old drop kick to groin layup. No biggie.

Pacman Can’t Stop Raining On Hoes

Chris Mortensen brings us breaking news on the Pacman Jones Appeal. Apparently, the night before meeting with NFL Godfather Roger Goodell on April 3rd, Jones visited a New York strip club. This may or may not have led to Don Goodell banning him for the entire season.

All of this comes a day before Jones’ appeal of the suspension. Here’s what I don’t understand. Jones has all this money, and the best way to spend it is throwing it on strippers? At this point, couldn’t he own a strip club? But, if Jones has his suspension reduced, he’d be a great fit in Tampa. Joe Redner needs someone to watch his strip clubs while he runs for office.