I’m Roger Fucking Clemens

Brett Farve ain’t got shit on me. That bastard pretends like he’s gonna retire every year then comes back. You know what I do? I actually retire, then come back and have some team overpay for me in May because their pitching staff is royally fucked. You know why I do that? Because I’m Roger Fucking Clemens.

I don’t care if people think I’m chasing paychecks from Boston, to Toronto, to New York, to Houston, and to New York again. Roger Fucking Clemens has to feed his kids; Kody, Kyjelly, Krystal, Khristine, and Kevin. And you know who is going to help Roger Fucking Clemens feed his kids? George Steinbrenner, bitches. Tell John Henry and Curt Schilling they can kiss my Lone Star State ass.

Roger Fucking Clemens is intense. Just wait until Roger Fucking Clemens starts in the minors. Roger Fucking Clemens is going to be knocking down those fuckers in the Florida State League, then the Eastern League, then the International League. It’s the Roger Fucking Clemens World Tour. But Roger Fucking Clemens needs a few days off too. Kody, Kyjelly, Krystal, Khristine, and Kevin need to see their fucking Daddy.

Instant Karma Is Gonna Git You Sucka

For the past few years, Bernie Williams’ last at-bat in Yankee Stadium was always greeted as if he would be gone the next day. Of course, this is the year of the next day. For the first time since his 17th birthday, Bernie Williams is not wearing pinstripes. Meanwhile the Yanks are in a slump, and Bernie is playing the Beacon Theatre.

I believe in good luck and karma. I believed in the Curse of The Bambino and the Curse of The Black Sox (although the billy-goat is bull shit). And I may end up believing in the Curse of Luis Gonzalez.

That is why not signing Bernie was a mistake. This has caused bad karma and is the reason why the Yanks are doing terribly. (Oh, you thought it was pitching? Please, this is a team so superstitious they used to have monuments in play!) The only way the Yanks can turn this season around is bringing back Bernie. Let him hang out in the dugout and play some jazz guitar. Come on Cashman, the season is on the line! Make it happen!

The Market In The Bronx

Dead last in the AL East after April. A pitching staff that resembles a nursing home or a legion ball team (depending on who’s on the DL). And one of the greatest offensive months in baseball history wasted. Why?

It’s easy to blame pitching. But there is something else going on with this team. Baseball, like the stock market, has cycles. And the Yankee cycle continues despite their archrivals destroying them in 2004, an organ-eye-zation that seems to have put it together, and one that is ready to climb into respectability. (Sorry Orioles, there’s nothing compelling about you. Except your mustaches.)

The infusion of young talent that has kept the Braves afloat has not occurred with the Yanks. Robinson Cano is homegrown, as is Phil Hughes, but the Braves had a whole fleet ready in Richmond (Francoeur, Langerhans, Chuck Jones). The Yanks don’t have that (they even moved their long time triple-A affiliate from Columbus to Scranton). And when your payroll is $190+ million, you can’t rebuild. Hell, you can’t even reload because no one wants your overpriced starters.

Of course, all of this comes down on Joe Torre. And that’s where this is leading. Brian Cashman is not expendable because he is rebuilding the minor league system after years of it being controlled by baseball ops in Tampa. Jeter will remain captain, A-Rod is staying, and you can’t blow up the rotation in May. Of course, Torre has other things to worry about. And in a sign of solidarity, Cashman, Jeter, and A-Rod all defended Torre this weekend.

It’s too early to say how bad the Yanks will finish (they sucked in April and May of 2005 and still won the division). But I keep thinking of that graph Dr. Denslow showed us in Macro during sophomore year. The market will always rise. But there will be dips in the line, too.

Relax, It’s Still April. (But you better sweep Boston)

No friends, A-Rod was not a back page man yesterday. When you hit your 10th homer into Death Valley at Yankee Stadium, which just happens to win the game and finish a six-run, two-out rally, you get the front page.

Here’s the thing; it’s still early. Ten home runs in 14 games is amazing. But you earn your Pinstripes in the Fall, not Spring. We only care about the 11 games he has to help the Yanks win in October. Is this the start of something? Maybe. Let’s see what Mr. MLB Stats Portal has to say about this.

Avg. AB R H HR RBI
Runners On: .406 32 16 13 9 25
On With 2 Outs: .750 12 9 9 8 20
In Scoring Position: .333 15 10 5 4 14
RISP With 2 Outs: .667 6 5 4 4 11

Granted, some of those numbers overlap, but look at runners on with two out and in scoring position with two out. This has never been A-Rod’s calling card (I even called my girl after watching A-Rod ground into a double play with two on and one out during a Spring Training game this season).

And he has to keep this up. I know he will slump, but he can’t do it this weekend. Wait til’ the four game set in Kansas City or some random interleague series. But not against Boston. Because unlike any prior Yankee, A-Rod has to perform at a high level because he has to convince us he isn’t the mercenary we were afraid he was. The closest Yankee that was in A-Rod’s position was Reggie Jackson, and he’s nicknamed Mr. October. Until there is a ring on A-Rod’s finger (and a fifth on Jeter’s) we won’t be convinced.